My door is opened....

Just went and picked up Tay from her last day at school for this year. WOW.... her last day of school for this year .... 2010 school year .....she'll go back to school in 2011 .....January 5th, 2011 will be her first day .... I feel like I'm in shock.  I'm just not getting it.   Half her 4th grade school year is over. Where has this year gone to?  Is that really when she'll go back?  It's what the school calender says.  So why can't I get it? Huh? I'm just not feeling it today....

What I'm really feeling today, is for it to be a total zone out, shut down, out of order, come talk to me when it's 2011 day.   I've been feeling this for a while now.  I've joked on Facebook about needing a Netflix day, but in all seriousness,  I really want it!  I love the thought of watching movies all day, zoning out,  vegging out, and boycotting literally everything.  But do I need to do that?

I've stayed busy with my projects, which have really helped me, since I'm not working this month.  But, geez,  there are still those days where I want to crawl in a hole and make the world go away.  I'm one of those moms that needs the break every now and then.  I'm not the seemingly happy all the time, cope with anything,  charge forward woman.  I may seem that way on the outside or I may not.  It's hard for me to see what other people see.  My perceptions are so wrong sometimes.  There's so much there, but so buried....

At church Sunday, Bro Bill asked everyone to bow their heads.  He started speaking about Christmas and Mary, Joseph and baby Jesus.  And somewhere in his speaking he in turn was asking us, what are we dealing with, have we had a rough year,  have we felt troubled.  I could not hold back the tears.  AND I am not the "cry in public" person AT ALL! My face looks like I've been in a boxing ring when that happens!  All I could think was thank goodness everyone's heads were bowed in prayer.  This feeling comes over me in church sometimes, but what he was saying really spoke to me and it was so overwhelming I could not hold it back.  I wanted to get up and go out to get myself together, but did not want to draw attention to myself. Because I knew, if I stepped out, the flood gates would open and there's no reeling all that back in!  So I sat there, wiping the tears as quietly as I could.  Luckily, the pews had boxes of tissues, so I grabbed one and wiped and by then prayer was over.

So instead of wanting to zone out and shut down, this is what I'm feeling.  Yes, this is one of those days again.  Everything is still on hold, my feelings, just about every emotion I could feel for Aiden's adoption, and I am so scared that when it finally comes down to getting the call and going to get him,  I will be in utter shock.  The kind of shock that'll put me in a comatose state of mind, fixed stare, drool running out of my mouth, can't move, can't talk, can't think,  somebody-slap-me-back-to-reality kind of shock!   How am I going to do this?  How am I going to bring back all these emotions and thoughts that I keep buried because my mind won't let me think and feel because it's too hard to do right now.  It's going to be a flood gate opening.  And I'm also afraid that when I finally meet Aiden and hold him and look at him, it's ALL going to come up and out - yes Rachel said it first - the UGLY CRY!  And we all know what that is!   For some reason, I can't deal with just a little of it.  It's all forced back down, till it comes running out of me like a bull in a rodeo and there's no stopping it either.  

I came to a realization a few years ago, actually with the help of Jessica at Holt, I have a major problem trusting people, dealing with the death of someone close to me,  and letting myself 'feel and deal'.  I built a wall around my heart many years ago once I learned how and it's so very hard to try to let that wall down.  I've felt so betrayed and devastated at times in my life and when those times happened it hurt so bad, so my heart said never again.  And with my trust issues, death issues, and feeling issues, I really think it all comes down to being adopted.  I've been told I did not display tantrums or have major anxiety, go figure.  Then all these past experiences came up and it made so much sense.  When the EP mess happened I was so devastated.  I posted on this blog how I had to "feel to heal".  So that's what I did.  Baby steps....baby steps.  And I think I dealt with that. It really helped to get it all down here and out.

So all this to say,  I'm a work in progress.  My door is opened.  Whether I'll walk through it every time, is a mystery and a challenge.  I'll take a step out every now and again so each step will get me a little further.  I've never claimed to be perfect, but for the sake of my family, I am trying really hard to be REAL.  Aiden will know how much I love him,  he will know where he comes from and who his family is.  We will be supportive and there for him.  Although Aiden and I come from such different backgrounds and circumstances,  we will have the bond of adoption.  We will  walk through life together as a family dealing, feeling, loving, and living, my door is opened...