Moving on....

Yep, you read right!  I am moving on.  I've dealt and now I feel like my old self again, um...... well.... as much as can be expected.   Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking forward to 3 or 4 more months of waiting, but reality has a way of slapping you in the face!  I'd love to slap it back sometimes (muhahahaha, evil laugh! jk)   Any who,  I know God has a plan for us.  There had to be some good reason (thanks Rach) why Aiden needed to stay in Korea for a little longer.  After the EP blow,  I could hardly even  think about Aiden coming home, I knew it wouldn't be anytime soon, but here it is, almost Thanksgiving, before I know it, Christmas will be here, and then 2011!  I feel like I'm just wishing my life away.  I wish January would hurry up! ; )

So, now what do I do with myself for the rest of the year?   I've only got a couple more weeks of low hours work to do.  That's it!  Actually, this week I had an idea.  Last year,  my cousin came up with a new tradition for my extended family at Christmas, so now, I'm going to put a little of my touch on it.  I sent my cousin's an email asking for ideas to further my new project.  They put their heads together and came up with something really neat to help me out.   It's crafty, it's neat, and it's cheap!  Ha...perfect! : )  So, I'll be off to Hobby Lobby and Joanne's very soon,  I need a few supplies to get this started.  So what is it I'm going to do, you ask?  You'll have to  wait  and see!  Don't you just love waiting?!?!   Muhahahaha!!! (waiting does strange things to this mama!)  ; )

Okay .... I get it

So I've figured out what I'm doing.  My heart has suffered a big loss.  I googled steps to healing after a trama.  Well...okay..... not getting our EP was not that big of a trama!  But in my mind it was, this is about me, how I'm dealing, how I'm making sense of this, etc.  This has nothing to do with everyone else.  And if some would soon realize, that when your first comment about something like this was about you, then judgement has no place here, it's not about you.  I'm sure some are asking themselves, what's the big deal,  why did she get so upset, she should have known there was a chance they wouldn't get it, it's only a few more months?  These types of thoughts have to do with your perception as though you were  the one dealing with this.  Not pointing fingers at all, just trying to make some understand  where I'm coming from. : )  I think  people today are too quick to judge someone in their situations, as though we are the ones dealing, when we're not.

So this is what I read first.

Stages of Grief

Elizabeth Kübler-Ross outlined five stages of grief. These include denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. In the denial stage, you may be numb and think that what happened could not be real. In the angry stage you want to find blame or you feel resentful of those who seem to be enjoying life. When you are bargaining you want to make a deal; for example, you think of all the ways you would be a better person if the pain were to go away. With depression may come the thought, “Why should I go on now that my friend is dead?” You know acceptance happens when you feel more peaceful about the loss and you give up struggling to make things be different.

This makes total sense to me.  Of course, no one died, this situation  isn't about someone dying.  But,  I have gone through these steps, literally, which means, yes,  I feel I have lost something.  I know Aiden will be ours someday, but I have no idea when that day will come.  I'm in this..... for him.... we all are.  So yes, I get it.  

It will soon be about someone else.  And I will be there comforting, supporting, and not judging.   Sometimes people just want to be heard, recognized, validated.  I've realized in the last few years what true friendship is.  A friend is  someone that can listen to you, comfort you, support you, and  understand what you are going through.  Sometimes that's all we need is someone to listen and support.  We all deserve that! :)

Baby stuff ...... no baby .....am I missing something?

So yesterday, my sweet, wonderful cousins, Debbie and Cindy threw me a baby shower. I had a good time (my cousins are crazy fun!).  I am so completely thankful for those who could come,  I really appreciate the support, it means more than you all will ever know....seriously!!  Got lots of great stuff!  My cousin Carrie made Taylor her big sister shirt, which we both love!! Thanks Carrie! : ) The last picture is from my sister-in-law, Joyce.  This piece was taken from a quilt, that was hand-stitched by my grandmother many years ago.  Joyce added the plane and banner that says, "Aiden Lee".  I love the fact that these two were combined!  Thanks Joyce!

I'm trying my best to figure out something.  Why is it so weird?  Is it because I've had a baby shower before and this one didn't feel  anything like that one?  Nine years ago, our daughter, Taylor, was born on Dec. 30th.  Is it because I didn't have the ginormous  belly to go along with yesterday's  baby shower?  Or maybe it's weird because I had a baby shower for a baby I've never met, touched, held, or even loved? I know this may sound weird....yeah I'm feeling it too.... obviously.    This whole thing is such a process.  I think I've gotten so wrapped up in this process, that I think I'm starting to wonder if there really is a child in the end.  Some may not understand my point, or even, where I'm going with this,  I'm not really sure myself.  But, this is my own observation,  my own insight, and my own confusion I'm trying to make sense of.  Maybe it's the fact that I have no clue as to when Aiden will come home, because at this point I really don't know.  We're all finished on the US side. We're all clueless over here.

Everyone keeps telling me, "it'll happen....". My logical mind says, you're going through this process for an end result.  So where's the result? Where's the end to this? Three and a half years.....by the time this process may be over, if we ever get there,  it will be four years. I feel like my every being has been on hold for three and a half years.   I feel cheated, robbed, I'm trying my best to have a good attitude about this now, I really am, but my heart is sad, confused, and is not sure which way is up.  I have my faith, I really do, but now it's being tested.  And when it's all over, whenever that is, I'm sure I'll say, "it was all so worth it".  But I can't say that right now, the end isn't here.  And saying, "it's just a few more months", doesn't help either. I good friend helped to put it into perspective for me.  It's like being pregnant, and you're at the end of your ninth month.  You're expecting to go and deliver that baby at the end of your ninth month. So,  you go to the hospital, thinking, you're there,  it'll all be over soon and you will have that baby in your arms.  Then the doctor comes in and says, "...oh yeah.... well,  about that..... you have to wait longer, not sure how long, maybe 3 or 4 more months,  we'll just have to wait and see". (with a smile I might add!) So what would you say to that?

Feel to heal.....

My last post was very hard to write and post.  I'd made the mistake and put the words  is devastated on a Facebook comment before I posted last.  Most knew what it meant, that we didn't get our Emigration Permit for this year and Aiden would NOT be coming home anytime soon, but others thought we'd lost Aiden and he wasn't going to be ours.  Sorry to confuse some of you.  I meant what I said on my last blog post though.  We've been waiting a very long time, although over half the wait was with another agency and country, we've still been waiting 3 1/2 years for a boy, 3 1/2 years!   I'd let myself think he could very well be coming home this year, it was a distinct possibility, in my mind.  So of course when I'd heard we were so close to getting our EP submitted but did not get it,  I truly was devastated.  I let myself feel the sadness I had in my heart, all of it.  I haven't felt that kind of sadness in a very, very  long time.

I was very sad for a few days,  I soon realized what I was doing, I was letting myself  feel to heal.  I think I've spent a lot of my life, not truly feeling, not past a certain point. I realized a few years ago, I have a really hard time with grieving, not that all have it easy, I just realized I really have a hard time letting go, and letting go of someone.  I feel I've kept people at a distance my whole life, maybe to protect myself from having to let go at some point.  I don't know...  I didn't realize I had been doing that for a such a long time.  I've been working on me for the last 10 years now.  The birth of our daughter, Taylor, showed me that I had to be a better person, for her and for myself.   So enough about me.  There's a whole lot more under this surface, now is not the time to go there!    I'm a work in progress!   : )

But,  Sunday was my turning point on my sadness.  I woke up feeling good,  went to church with my family, came home, and enjoyed the day.  It still saddens me that Aiden won't be here any time soon, but he will be here.....eventually.

On one good note,  we did get another Well Baby Check from Holt Korea last Thursday for the month of  October.   I emailed Aiden's medical report to Dr. Plemmons at Vanderbilt that afternoon, and he responded today.  He said everything was normal and right on target.  They did note "wheezing" on the report, Dr. Plemmons said it could be a little cold, and probably nothing to worry about since it wasn't mentioned other than that once.  So our little guy is right on target.  It said he's not actually walking yet, pulls up to a standing position, creeping too.  He has a few teeth now, sure wish I could see 'em! So yes, our guy is doing great, just wish I could see for myself! ; )

No Emigration Permit for Aiden

No EP for Aiden this year.  Just found out earlier today by email.  No more EP's issued this year.  They (South Korea) have their quota.  So now, we will miss Aiden's first Christmas, his first birthday, and it may be Feb or March of 2011 before we know if he's coming home.  I am devastated.  I can't even talk about it.

A Korean Forum mom, just found out today they made the cut, they will receive their EP for their adorable little girl.  I am truly happy for them, (P-I really am!)  but at the same time I am devastated. I know some of you are thinking, "what's a couple of more months?"  Imagine deciding you wanted something more than anything else in this world.  So you make a plan.  You start the process and follow through with all the steps that are required.  Yes, there are bumps and potholes in the road, dips, and curves, but finally  you're on your way and it feels great!

Then, imagine you figure out you are so close to reaching your goal, what you've wanted more than anything.  All those emotions you've kept on hold  for 3 1/2 years.  All of that leading up to being told Sorry to inform you.......

He tried to tell me 3 times.....

I thought it was about time I posted pictures of Aiden's room.  It's all ready for him. But,  I have to confess something though.  It's been completely  finished for over a year now.  And, Aiden won't be the first baby that's slept in that bed this year (still crossing my fingers A is going to be here this year!)  The bed and chest of drawers were Taylor's, our 9 year old daughter,  when she was a baby.  I tried to sell them about 5 years ago, but they didn't sell, so I decided to keep them.  Now I know why! (God's sign #1)  :)

So last year at this time, I'd heard that Taylor's second grade teacher had a baby and she was looking for a baby sitter.  I'm not sure what possessed me, at that time,  to message her, but I know now. (God's sign #2)   I sent her a Facebook message and asked if she'd found a sitter for when she returned to teaching, and she replied that she had not.  So I offered to babysit her little boy when she returned to work, which was  Jan of this year.  We didn't know each other very well, but she'd had Taylor in her second grade class, so I was hoping Tay's class room etiquette would speak for itself --> and it did (whew!).  That's my girl!

So, Jan of this year I was babysitting her then 5 month old little boy.  I'd never babysat before....never!  In looking back now,  I guess I  was worried on how my skills were in taking care of a baby.  Like I said, Tay was 9 and it had been a while!  I was really nervous at first, but he was such a good baby, it wasn't hard to get use to him at all. And he seemed to get use to me pretty quick too.  I kept him during the day while his mother taught  at school for the spring term at Tay's elementary  school.  Little did I know at that time, how much he would help me in preparing for our little boy.  Thanks PT!  (God's sign #3)

Okay,  so here's the room!  Like I said it's been done for a while, but now it's ready for Aiden and so am I!

Now all we need is Aiden......I'm so glad I finally listened to him, I'm really ready now!

Happy Birthday Ethan....we miss you....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gSysgebL9g&feature=player_embedded


A video tribute to Ethan for what would have been his 10th birthday, Oct 30, 2010.
Ethan touched many lives during his 9 years on this earth and his memory and family continue to inspire us today. We know he is dancing with the angels and one day we will see him again.