I'm trying my best to figure out something. Why is it so weird? Is it because I've had a baby shower before and this one didn't feel anything like that one? Nine years ago, our daughter, Taylor, was born on Dec. 30th. Is it because I didn't have the ginormous belly to go along with yesterday's baby shower? Or maybe it's weird because I had a baby shower for a baby I've never met, touched, held, or even loved? I know this may sound weird....yeah I'm feeling it too.... obviously. This whole thing is such a process. I think I've gotten so wrapped up in this process, that I think I'm starting to wonder if there really is a child in the end. Some may not understand my point, or even, where I'm going with this, I'm not really sure myself. But, this is my own observation, my own insight, and my own confusion I'm trying to make sense of. Maybe it's the fact that I have no clue as to when Aiden will come home, because at this point I really don't know. We're all finished on the US side. We're all clueless over here.
Everyone keeps telling me, "it'll happen....". My logical mind says, you're going through this process for an end result. So where's the result? Where's the end to this? Three and a half years.....by the time this process may be over, if we ever get there, it will be four years. I feel like my every being has been on hold for three and a half years. I feel cheated, robbed, I'm trying my best to have a good attitude about this now, I really am, but my heart is sad, confused, and is not sure which way is up. I have my faith, I really do, but now it's being tested. And when it's all over, whenever that is, I'm sure I'll say, "it was all so worth it". But I can't say that right now, the end isn't here. And saying, "it's just a few more months", doesn't help either. I good friend helped to put it into perspective for me. It's like being pregnant, and you're at the end of your ninth month. You're expecting to go and deliver that baby at the end of your ninth month. So, you go to the hospital, thinking, you're there, it'll all be over soon and you will have that baby in your arms. Then the doctor comes in and says, "...oh yeah.... well, about that..... you have to wait longer, not sure how long, maybe 3 or 4 more months, we'll just have to wait and see". (with a smile I might add!) So what would you say to that?
