I didn't always feel that way though. I was scared to death of her when she was born. Giving birth to her was very traumatic for me, although I didn't know that at the time. The epidural ran out at the last 10 minutes, which was probably part of the trauma I think. I don't know how to explain it or how to make you understand it. I think I was in shock more or less in the hospital. I was going through the motions of sorts but wasn't really grasping what was really happening. Looking back now I wished I had the insight to say, I need help with this, and by this, I mean my emotions, thoughts, feelings, and just admitting I was just plum scared out of my mind! I think my way of dealing was to just numb out, shut down, turn it off, and I was almost numb to it all. When I look back now, I didn't have many emotions going into it, just fear, but I didn't realize it either. So yeah, having her was almost an outer body experience, if you will. I saw everything happening, it's almost like it wasn't happening to me, like I was watching it happen to someone else - weird I know. There wasn't this happy crying loving look on my face I know. After she was finally born, all I felt like doing was cry and to get out of there, like it was too much. My body was in shock, I couldn't cry or run away, I was stuck there with this doctor I'd never met (my doctor was out of town), nurses I didn't know (the nurses I'd come to recognize all day had gone home 2 hours earlier, end of their shift).
So yeah, I think having her was my greatest accomplishment. Of course I can say that now! But another weird thing is, she's the only blood relative I know. After she was born, I'd have to remind myself, she was mine. It's like I kept waiting for someone to come get her and take her back where she belonged. It must of still been the shock part. But that feeling is gone now. I know she's mine! God help her, she's got a lot of my qualities, but a lot of her dads too, the good ones at least! She's smart, common sensed like the dickens, (she had no choice on that one, I promise you!) She's crafty, won several ribbons for her creative drawings, paintings, and sculptures in her school and county. I am so proud of my girl!
So today was her 10th birthday. I wanted this birthday to be extra special. It will be her last birthday being the only child. She invited 5 of her friends, we ate lunch at their all time favorite place - McDonalds, then on to get - MANICURES! Oh yeah, they loved it!!
Here's my girl!
Here's her friends: Abigail and Reagan
Here's Michaela
Here's Faith
And back to our house for cake and ice cream! Yummy! And of course a little sugar high play time! :)
They had a blast! And I am so glad they did! Before Tay went to sleep tonight, I asked her if she had a good birthday. She said, "it was the best!" with a sleepy yawn and smile on her sweet face! :)
