August 19, 2011

So this past Friday was my birthday, August 19, 2011.  I turned 41 years old.  Not a big deal, felt just like last year, and the year before that.  Age is a state of mind you know! ;) So I'm feeling pretty good about being in my 40's.  But this year was a little different.  I woke up, and as I usually think to myself when I get up, "what day is it?" I remembered after I realized it was a Friday that, oh yeah, it's my birthday.  I showered, fixed Tay's lunch for school, and sat down at my laptop till time for the kiddos to get up. As I'm scanning FB, email, and blogs, I thought about it being my birthday.

So as I'm sitting in my kitchen, I think of Aiden.  At that very moment I had a heavy feeling of loss come over me. It was very heavy and went straight to my heart.  I felt so bad for Aiden, what he has had to lose to get to where he was.  And as I'm thinking of him, I begin to understand where these feelings were coming from. 41 years ago, my birth mother made a very hard decision to put me up for adoption.  And 41 years ago, my mom and dad adopted me.    I too had suffered a major loss.  And as I'm tearing up from the weight of the loss, I realized it was me that was realizing my loss, not just Aiden's. It was like a cloud that had cleared, I could see through the fog, everything just clicked. Talk about an a-ha moment!

This is the very first picture my parents saw of me. I was 8 weeks old.

This is me when my adoptive parents first brought me home. The year was Oct. 1970.  I was 9 weeks old.

I was 3 months old here.

When I was little, my birthdays were always happy times, party with family, slumber party with friends, etc. As I got older, my birthdays weren't quite as happy.  I think I went through the resentment stage, anger stage, you name it, I probably felt it on or around my birthday.  I never really understood exactly what my birth mother possibly would have felt, till this past Friday.  I realized that every year on August 19th, my birth mother probably  remembered her loss.  I never really got it, till this year.  How could I not see her loss too?  I felt very selfish at that moment too, all these years of only thinking of myself on my birthday.

I don't know if I ever would have realized this if Aiden wasn't here with me.  This little guy,

is my savior. He is teaching me so much about myself.  He was destined to be with me and my family from the very beginning.  I never knew the impact he would have on my life and my families lives till now.  So through the years when Aiden's birthday comes around, I will always remember his birth mother, her loss, and her gift to us. I will always say a prayer thanking her for Aiden and hope that she has peace in her heart.  And as my birthday rolls around from this day forward, I will say a prayer for my birth mother also, thanking her for my life, and hope that she has peace in her heart, just as I have now.