I went to my parents house today and I'm sure my mom was wondering why I was so quiet. If something is bothering me, I'm worried, or just don't feel good, I'm quiet. Which, let's face it, would be a gift to some people these days! ; ) So what's up with me today? To put it bluntly, I'm sick and tired of waiting for Aiden to be able to come home!! I've come full circle and stopped at the "frustrated" gate. I feel like I'm on a merry-go-round that stops at certain points, only to continue again, and drag me along with it. So how do I get off of this ride? I can't just shut down completely, but I'm sick and tired of waiting in line. So I've heard some say that when you get to your breaking point, it'll happen. But what if you get to your breaking point, and nothing happens. That is possible you know? Then what? I'm not completely there, I was just wondering.....
What to do, what to do? I've been working on my Christmas projects, hubs said last night it's looking good, bless him! :) So what do I do with this frustration? Which, I know it's just a stage and will pass and then stop at the next gate - sadness, happiness, excitement, depression, etc. Wonder which one it'll be tomorrow. Some of you are probably thinking, this gal needs help, or maybe a stiff drink! I'll keep going everyday, just like I always do. Tick.....tock.......tick.........tock.............tick.........................tock...........................tick.....................tock - sick of reading tick tock yet? Well, I'm sick of hearing it! Yes I'd like a little bit of cheese with my whine! I'm venting today. Usually I'm kind of quiet with the complaining. But gosh darn it I'm sick of this waiting. I'm waiting every single day till we get another Well Baby Check, picture, whatever till whenever!
And I always say me - "I'm waiting". Truth is all our families are waiting. Our daughter, Taylor, has also been waiting almost 4 years too. She'll be 10 in exactly a month. Do you know how long four years is to a child? An eternity. She actually asked me this summer were we still adopting? She's past the point of being excited. I think we all are, and by that I mean, all our family. And now with North Korea being the big bad bully, we have no idea if we'll be able to travel to South Korea to pick Aiden up! I was sooooo looking forward to going to Seoul! I mean really!! I'm not the adventurous type at all, I'm a home body, just ask the hubs. He's the adventurous one, so I was really liking the idea of visiting our son's birth place and experiencing ALL of that! WOW!! So now that may not even happen. And the hubs, he's just here. He says he really can't get attached to a child he's never met, doesn't know anything about, never held. Who can blame him!? It's only been four years of waiting?! But he's been there every step of the way, which I truly appreciate! Love ya dear! :)
So..... what's next? Christmas will be here sometime soon. I'm really trying to look forward to it, but it's just not happening. Then, it's Taylor's birthday on December 30th. Really need to get myself together to come up with a great birthday idea, she'll be "10", double digits!! Then New Year's..... now we're talking! Finally... it'll be next year, but we've still got a month to go till then. Yeah, I know......just a few more months! I feel like I'd like to slap the next person that says that to me! (ignore the last comment, I'm just venting!)
Okay - I got an idea for you.
ReplyDeleteFirst - there's a challenge. I want you to round up as much extra cash as you can. Search the couch cushions, turn in some recycling, sell some junk stored in the garage. Do it, and do it as fast as you can.
Then take that money and go to Goodwill or the Salvation Army and buy as many cheap plates/glasses/vases/whatever that you can. Ideally you want to buy 90 items.
Once you get those items home, put them in a special place. Then go outside and find a corner somewhere and lay down a big tarp. Every day, starting December 1st and ending on New Years Eve, take THREE of those items and SMASH THEM AS HARD AS YOU CAN WHILE SCREAMING onto the tarp. It'll be a good stress reliever and chances are, you'll be laughing when you're done.
I suggest that you take Christmas off, but maybe you want to treat yourself to some extra smashing items - it's up to you.
If you're able to round up more cash than you thought (or got a super deal on your smashables) then I suggest getting an old TV for New Years Eve that you can smash with a BASEBALL BAT. But be sure to wear protective eye wear. It's all about safety first.
Gosh, I'm so sorry you're having such a rough day. I really can't imagine how you must feel to know that you were so close to traveling and now you have to wait. That sucks!!! You just go ahead and vent and do secret projects and wish the holidays away. Do whatever you need to do. I don't blame you at all. I'll be saying a little (or big) prayer for you for sure! =)
ReplyDeletei like what little said!!! that sounds like advice from someone who has been there. I have never waited four years for anything so i cant even imagine what that pain must be like. You are very quiet when you contemplate. and no place like mom's to do that. It will be worth the wait but i do understand agony. I have fought with depression several times with panic attacks so the agony and sheer exhaustion it brings on is really tough. I dont blame you for venting. if you ever want to just scream at someone .. call me .. i can stand and scream with you . if you cry i will cry too. Misery loves...so im sure not just me ..but we will all stand hand in hand with you . Even if its just yelling Aidens name to the universe..loud enough for God to hear us physically !!! We can rock heaven with Aidens name. XXOO dana (477 6116)
ReplyDeleteWaiting stinks. Is it worth it? Absolutely! But that doesn't make it any better. I'm so sorry you are going through this. We waiting so long, too. I got to that "almost" breaking point so many times. I'm praying for you and your family. Hopefully my little one can help yours some, as she's been right in her place, too. Love and hugs.
ReplyDeleteThere is nothing in this world as emotional or brutal on the soul as the last weeks/months before TC. It is the biggest emotional roller coaster there is! Hang on with all you've got! And don't let the news ruin your day in the sun....you will hold sweet Aiden Lee in Seoul, I just know it!!!!!!!
ReplyDelete-Elfkin
Waiting is the hardest part! I feel for you and feel like I am right in that same boat. People ask "where are you in the process", "have you heard anything"...I just want to scream....I WISH!!! I WISH I WAS HEARING....COME AND GET HIM!!!! But, to no avail.....we wait. And our babies miss their first Christmas....:(
ReplyDeleteI think Rachel's idea is great...smashing stuff might be a good distraction! :)
I'm loving Rachel's idea!!! :)
ReplyDeleteI think I would stick to Rachel's idea too! It sounds like good therapy.This waiting thing just stinks.
ReplyDeleteLOL! Rachel's idea is so spot on...I've never done it, but whenever I am uber-frustrated, I fantasize about buying a set of cheap dishes and finding some balcony on which I can stand as I thrown each piece over the railing. To tell you the truth, I'm a little creeped out that someone else has a similar idea...Or maybe I should be relieved!
ReplyDeleteTake care, Leah. I'm right there with you. We got our referrals a week apart (I got the call 7/15). I fully expected to celebrate the holidays with our son...perhaps even spending the holidays in Korea. There are no words to make it better, but we just have to trust that God's timing is perfect.
Nothing. Is. As. Hard. As. This. My friend, you are in my prayers. DH and I felt like we were face down on the ground being run over by a large truck with every day that passed with no word of our EP, then no TC. It is so freaking hard. No one can prepare you, and certainly not for the news of no EP until next year. I pray you are in the first batch and that sweet boy is home soon. I'm so sorry :( ((hugs))
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