From 2007 till 2011

In 2007 we started our adoption journey to our son.  And each year after that I said, "this'll be the year!" And, each year, it wasn't our year.  So moving forward to 2010.  In July of 2010 we were blessed with this little guy's picture, Yeong-min!

So today is the last day of 2010.  I'm really getting excited, but.....  Getting to this year has been a long haul.  So many times answering, "no, not yet."  And tons of "maybe next year" and  too many to count of "I don't know when." So 2011 is vastly approaching - yah!  I've had so many years of let downs, will this be our year?     I've had so many years of "maybe this year will be our year" that I really wonder if this next year will be our year?

ML commented on a blog post of mine not too long ago.  This is some of what she said,  "I learned more about myself and grew as a person, a wife, a friend, and as a Christian more during his adoption than I did the rest of my life till that point."  This is so true.  I have grown in each of those areas, truly!  Although this process has been really really hard at times, it has been a journey.  I always wondered, in the beginning, why they called it a journey.   I am traveling so far to get our son, but haven't gone anywhere yet!  It's such a mental journey, that some days are just exhausting.  But some days I'm filled with dreams of having him here, what our daily routine will be, and a lot of "I wonder how this is going to be with Aiden here."  Sometimes when we're out running around, how's it going to be with Aiden with us?  I can so see all of that happening.  But our journey isn't over yet.   Sometimes I feel this journey is just starting.  Aiden may very well be coming home this next year - 2011.  So, yeah,  I'm ready!  There has been disappointment after disappointment each year.  But I've got a good feeling that 2011 will be our year!

10 years ago today....

10 years ago this very day at 3 am, a little baby woke me up to say,  "it's time mommie"!  So off to the hospital we went.  I can't believe it's been 10 years with our precious girl.  Time flies by faster every year.  I can not put into words what she means to me.  When I look at her, I can not believe she's mine, she is a product of me,  I did that? Well suffice to say, I had a little help, but seriously, I provided for her, she grew in me. Wow....

I didn't always feel that way though. I was scared to death of her when she was born.  Giving birth to her was very traumatic for me, although I didn't know that at the time. The epidural ran out at the last 10 minutes, which was probably part of the trauma I think.   I don't know how to explain it or how to make you understand it.  I think I was in shock more or less in the hospital.  I was going through the motions of sorts but wasn't really grasping what was really happening.  Looking back now  I wished I had the insight to say, I need help with this, and by this, I mean my emotions, thoughts, feelings, and just admitting I was just plum scared out of my mind!  I think my way of dealing was to just numb out,  shut down, turn it off, and I was almost numb to it all.  When I  look back now, I didn't have many emotions going into it, just fear, but I didn't realize it either.  So yeah,  having her was almost an outer body experience, if you will.  I saw everything happening,  it's almost like it wasn't happening to me, like I was watching it happen to someone else - weird I know.  There wasn't this happy crying loving look on my face I know.  After she was finally born, all I felt like doing was cry and to get out of there, like it was too much.  My body was in shock, I couldn't cry or run away,  I was stuck there with this doctor I'd never met (my doctor was out of town), nurses I didn't know (the nurses I'd come to recognize all day had gone home 2 hours earlier, end of their shift).

So yeah,  I think having her was my greatest accomplishment.  Of course I can say that now!  But another weird thing is, she's the only blood relative I know.  After she was born,  I'd have to remind myself, she was mine.  It's like I kept waiting for someone to come get her and take her back where she belonged.  It must of still been the shock part.  But that feeling is gone now.  I know she's mine!  God help her, she's got  a lot of my qualities, but a lot of her dads too, the good ones at least!  She's smart, common sensed like the dickens, (she had no choice on that one, I promise you!) She's crafty, won several ribbons for her creative drawings, paintings, and sculptures in her school and county.  I am so proud of my girl!

So today was her 10th birthday.  I wanted this birthday to be extra special.  It will be her last birthday being the only child.  She invited 5 of her friends,  we ate lunch at their all time favorite place - McDonalds, then on to get - MANICURES! Oh yeah,  they loved it!!

                                           Here's my girl!

                                          
                            Here's her friends:  Abigail and Reagan

                                
                                           Here's Michaela

                                          Here's Faith

And back to our house for cake and ice cream! Yummy! And of course a little sugar high play time! :)

They had a blast! And I am so glad they did!  Before Tay went to sleep tonight, I asked her if she had a good birthday.  She said, "it was the best!" with a sleepy yawn and smile on her sweet face! :)

Bring it on!

All the Christmas decorations are put away this evening, thanks to the help of the hubs.  We had a wonderful Christmas, had a great time with our families, but I'm glad it's over and past. One thing is still left behind though - SNOW! We actually had a white Christmas this year.  I can only remember a hand full of times we actually had snow on Christmas.

Really,  I was kind of numb through a lot of it.  I'm glad Taylor had a great Christmas though.  She was given this basketball goal, which Mike set up in our garage this evening! Yeah, I thought it was a crazy idea too, but we ended up shooting hoops for about 30 minutes out there!  It was fun, cold but fun! :)

So yeah,  Christmas is over, deco is put up, and I'm ready to move on to 2011!  I've got a lot to do to get ready for Aiden to come home.  I've cleaned upstairs and vacuumed under everything, so I can at least cross that off the list!  The carpets need to be cleaned downstairs plus the kitchen floor needs scrubbing. I'm a neat freak, so I love a clean house!  My work picks back up on January 3rd in full force, so cleaning carpets is my next task this week.  There's still lots to do around here and I still need some more things for Aiden -  gate for our stairs, another car seat, clothes, bottles, omgosh I could go on! (Really, I'm a just in case kind of person, so I'm sure I'm over thinking it,  but I still say I need them!)

Okay,  I'm getting a little nervous now.  But this is something I've been waiting on for a very very long time.  Taylor's birthday is Thursday December 30th.  She'll be 10 years old!!  OMGosh they grow up so fast!  She's entering double digits - 10!  So I'm really wanting her to have a great birthday.  Hoping to have a fun girlie day - manicures! She's never had one, so I thought that would be a real treat for her and her friends.  I'm really going to try and make this a birthday she'll never forget.

I'm so ready for 2011!  I've been ready for 2011 since October!  We were so close to being submitted for our Emigration Permit this year but did not make the cut. I'm really hoping we'll be submitted the first of January 2011!   So BRING. IT. ON!! Let's get this going again!! :)

매리 크리스마스 = Merry Christmas everyone!

I've found something ......

It's Christmas Eve's Eve, or Christmas Adam as an Adoptive Parent said on FB! Love that! :)  Yes, time is moving -YAH! But, not at the rate I'd like - BOO! But it is moving - back to YAH!

I've been thinking about Korea in my spare time, which is a lot lately!  With North and South Korea in the news lately,  every now and then I'll check the weather in South Korea.  Burrrrr comes to mind!  Their weather is similar to ours here in Tennessee really.  So yeah, it's going to be cold, if not colder there in January and February of this next year.  And hopefully we'll be there then! (fingers crossed, happy dance, whatever will make it happen!)  So yeah, what the heck am I going to pack as far as warm clothing for all of us, Mike, Aiden and me?!  Most everything I want to do in Seoul is outside!  There's the awesome tour of the sites - which is outside!  There's also the N Seoul Tower:

 

which I'm dying to see!  If you'd like to see/read more about it, click here.  It is very very cool!

There's also a Teddy Bear Museum in the Tower (which Taylor would absolutely love!), a  Restaurant, etc!  I'm telling you, you need to click  above!!!

What's very significant about the Tower is the Locks of Love.

These locks were a symbol of couples love.  Adoptive parents go there also with their child and place a lock with their names on it to signify the bond that the family will always be together! I just love that! Plus, there's all these street Markets to go shopping, like Insadong, Namdemum, The Train Station,  etc!  Yeah - outside!  Even if I get frostbite I will visit these places!  

Okay, yes it's going to be cold! I'm sure you've gathered that fact already, so we'll have to have very warm clothing.  Which brings to mind, big, bulky clothing - takes up more room in a suitcase - NOT GOOD!!!   Everyone that knows anything about the winter time in Seoul  says dress in layers. And they say that because they keep those buildings inside at like 80 degrees~!  So be ready to shed layers upon entering a building, there is no in between!  Yikes! Which brings me to this find.

Tay and I were in Old Navy the other day and I ran across this little goody.  I've been trying to think what would be some kind of something that Aiden can wear to keep him warm and not just be a jacket, hat, and gloves. They say dress in layers so I can see this working out well.   This little goody will keep him warm from his head, down to his.... um ....ankles! It's a size 18-24 months, so it'll be too long for him, so I'm thinking, it'll cover his feet.   But it does have a way for his hands to stay warm, and the cute little hood will work.  AND,  this little find cost me $4.49, regularly $19.99~!  It was marked down to $9.99, but I noticed it had dirt on the bottom of both legs.  I asked to go get another one, but the cashier volunteered to mark it half price since it was dirty!  So yeah, it cost me $5!  I walked out of there so tickled about this find.  Oh, I washed it yesterday,  the dirt came out and it's perfect!  Yep, it's perfect for Aiden! :)

A good time by all....

Last night was our Cousin's Christmas.  A good time was had by all......even me! :)  I'm so thankful for all of my family.  It doesn't get any better then them!

Everyone liked their stocking.  It'll be a great tradition from now on.....

Merry Christmas!!

Tonight is the night....

Tonight is the night.  It's our Cousin's Christmas at our house!  I'm looking forward to it - can you believe that!? I'm actually looking forward to something - HA! Tonight we're starting a whole new tradition with these:

I've got my stocking stuffer presents for the whole family.  I've got my Kentucky Legend ham in the fridge, going to make some sweets, and have a good time tonight.  I am so thankful to have all of my family coming here for our Cousin's Christmas.  Although Aiden is not here, and I'm sure I'll be thinking of him tonight, but this will be THE LAST Christmas without him! I feel like I've said that the past 3 years, so I really hope it is!

My door is opened....

Just went and picked up Tay from her last day at school for this year. WOW.... her last day of school for this year .... 2010 school year .....she'll go back to school in 2011 .....January 5th, 2011 will be her first day .... I feel like I'm in shock.  I'm just not getting it.   Half her 4th grade school year is over. Where has this year gone to?  Is that really when she'll go back?  It's what the school calender says.  So why can't I get it? Huh? I'm just not feeling it today....

What I'm really feeling today, is for it to be a total zone out, shut down, out of order, come talk to me when it's 2011 day.   I've been feeling this for a while now.  I've joked on Facebook about needing a Netflix day, but in all seriousness,  I really want it!  I love the thought of watching movies all day, zoning out,  vegging out, and boycotting literally everything.  But do I need to do that?

I've stayed busy with my projects, which have really helped me, since I'm not working this month.  But, geez,  there are still those days where I want to crawl in a hole and make the world go away.  I'm one of those moms that needs the break every now and then.  I'm not the seemingly happy all the time, cope with anything,  charge forward woman.  I may seem that way on the outside or I may not.  It's hard for me to see what other people see.  My perceptions are so wrong sometimes.  There's so much there, but so buried....

At church Sunday, Bro Bill asked everyone to bow their heads.  He started speaking about Christmas and Mary, Joseph and baby Jesus.  And somewhere in his speaking he in turn was asking us, what are we dealing with, have we had a rough year,  have we felt troubled.  I could not hold back the tears.  AND I am not the "cry in public" person AT ALL! My face looks like I've been in a boxing ring when that happens!  All I could think was thank goodness everyone's heads were bowed in prayer.  This feeling comes over me in church sometimes, but what he was saying really spoke to me and it was so overwhelming I could not hold it back.  I wanted to get up and go out to get myself together, but did not want to draw attention to myself. Because I knew, if I stepped out, the flood gates would open and there's no reeling all that back in!  So I sat there, wiping the tears as quietly as I could.  Luckily, the pews had boxes of tissues, so I grabbed one and wiped and by then prayer was over.

So instead of wanting to zone out and shut down, this is what I'm feeling.  Yes, this is one of those days again.  Everything is still on hold, my feelings, just about every emotion I could feel for Aiden's adoption, and I am so scared that when it finally comes down to getting the call and going to get him,  I will be in utter shock.  The kind of shock that'll put me in a comatose state of mind, fixed stare, drool running out of my mouth, can't move, can't talk, can't think,  somebody-slap-me-back-to-reality kind of shock!   How am I going to do this?  How am I going to bring back all these emotions and thoughts that I keep buried because my mind won't let me think and feel because it's too hard to do right now.  It's going to be a flood gate opening.  And I'm also afraid that when I finally meet Aiden and hold him and look at him, it's ALL going to come up and out - yes Rachel said it first - the UGLY CRY!  And we all know what that is!   For some reason, I can't deal with just a little of it.  It's all forced back down, till it comes running out of me like a bull in a rodeo and there's no stopping it either.  

I came to a realization a few years ago, actually with the help of Jessica at Holt, I have a major problem trusting people, dealing with the death of someone close to me,  and letting myself 'feel and deal'.  I built a wall around my heart many years ago once I learned how and it's so very hard to try to let that wall down.  I've felt so betrayed and devastated at times in my life and when those times happened it hurt so bad, so my heart said never again.  And with my trust issues, death issues, and feeling issues, I really think it all comes down to being adopted.  I've been told I did not display tantrums or have major anxiety, go figure.  Then all these past experiences came up and it made so much sense.  When the EP mess happened I was so devastated.  I posted on this blog how I had to "feel to heal".  So that's what I did.  Baby steps....baby steps.  And I think I dealt with that. It really helped to get it all down here and out.

So all this to say,  I'm a work in progress.  My door is opened.  Whether I'll walk through it every time, is a mystery and a challenge.  I'll take a step out every now and again so each step will get me a little further.  I've never claimed to be perfect, but for the sake of my family, I am trying really hard to be REAL.  Aiden will know how much I love him,  he will know where he comes from and who his family is.  We will be supportive and there for him.  Although Aiden and I come from such different backgrounds and circumstances,  we will have the bond of adoption.  We will  walk through life together as a family dealing, feeling, loving, and living, my door is opened...  

For sale.....

                                      
        My Korean flag ornament

Okay,  so I had other plans for these, but changed my mind and thought some of you would like to have one, since the other some of you liked them so much.  Thanks, by the way! ;)   I am selling 5 Korean flag ornaments I've made.   How much you ask?  $6.00 a piece,  so the next 5 people that leave a comment below will be the proud owner of your very own Korean flag ornament.  These were hand made from clay and hand painted. If you haven't received one, and would like to buy one, leave a comment!  We'll talk! ;)

I really enjoyed making these.  This was time well spent waiting for our Aiden to come home to us.  I really don't know what I would have done if I did not have this project to keep me occupied - probably have gone coocoo, not that I haven't gotten half way there! Seriously!!

It really meant so much to me to hear how others really like and enjoy their ornaments.  I love doing things for people, helping out, and I love this time of year - usually!  Waiting for Aiden has been a very  long long journey, and it's still not over yet.  He's in Korea still, growing, laughing, playing.  I can not even imagine how it's going to be when we're making plans to go get him!  Really I can't.  I don't know how I'm going to react.   I am so glad Mike, the hubs, is with me on this.  He is my rock, my solid ground I walk on, if it was not for him, I would not be who I am.  I am so happy to know he supports Tay and me 100%.  We are a family of three, soon to be four.  I have no idea how the future will pan out.  To tell the truth, it kind of scares me, but life is good and about to be even better! ;)

FINISHED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rachel, you were right - STOCKINGS!!  ;)

So,  here's what I've been working on for the past 2 weeks:  Project #1

All 23 of them!!  Okay...now that you've seen the picture, I'll explain the whole story.

My grandmother had a tradition many years ago, which may have been  before I was born, I'm not sure.  All the family would go to her house on Dec. 25th,  Christmas night for dinner and gift giving.  She had stockings for all of us, which she made.  My grandmother was a sewing queen, she did every kind of craft known to woman, she was a "crafty" wonder!  There wasn't a craft this woman couldn't do! So each year we'd gather at my Me Maw's house on Christmas evening.  I can remember as a child, that was my favorite part of Christmas (besides Christmas morning of course!) was going to my grandparents house with all of the family  for Christmas dinner and of course - those stockings!

Last year my cousin Deb had the idea of starting the tradition of "stockings as gift giving" at our house for our "Cousins Christmas".  We made due with what stockings we could find last year, so now it's December of this year.  Since we missed the quota for the EP's, which meant Aiden couldn't come home this year.  I had the whole month of December to do nothing but watch the clock  click.....one....... number .......at........ a........ time!  Oh my, I've got  to come up with something to do!   Yeah......I'll make new stockings for everyone!

I thought, great idea! (enter happy dance!)  So I sent an email to my two cousins that help with coordinating our "Cousins Christmas" every year.  They thought it was a good idea.  Yah,  now.... how on earth am I gonna make new stockings without it being expensive?!  I needed to make 22 stockings!!  That's a lot of fabric, so I asked my cousins what I should make them out of.  My cousin sent a reply back - "Use quilts". OMGOODNESS, that was an awesome idea!   And, what's ironic about these stockings is two of the quilts I used,  my Me Maw made many many years ago.  Plus, one other quilt was made by my other grandmother, many many years ago.

I started out with a quilt, traced a stocking, then cut it out.

   

I bought some fabric at Hobby Lobby (love me some Hobby Lobby!!).  Cut it into strips and took it to Monogramming by Sherri,  local retailer who does monogramming - who gave me a great deal, thanks! ;)

Then I attached the fabric with the names on them to one side, then the blank one to the other side.  Inverted them and sewed them together with my sewing machine.

Everyone in my family will have new stockings for Christmas at my house this year!  :)

Another thing that's great about this,  every year I get those stockings out, I'll remember what I did to pass the time....waiting for Aiden to come home.  Sweet!

Oh btw,  there is one extra one without a name.  That's for whoever ends up at our house for Christmas, so no one is left out!  Everybody gets something at our house on Christmas!

Project #2

15 down......7 more to go....

Here's a recap of the hints:

#1  It's recycled.

#2  They come in all shapes, colors, and sizes at Christmas time.

#3  They have names on them.

Oh yeah....the last one is new,  hint #3.  : )

Never been one for being Wordless... and yes it's Wednesday

Okay,  project #2 is finished.  I had started on Project #1 a couple of weeks ago.  Part 2 of Project #1 had to be done somewhere else, by someone else.   So when I got the call that they were done,  picked them up, brought them home, and there they sat for another week till I finished Project #2.  Project #2 was fun, but after making quite a few, whew,  little tired of hand painting!   For some reason, this site won't let me upload some pictures today, so it's not a Wordless Wednesday with tons of pictures...and there are words (duh Leah.)  Don't ya just love technology - when it works!   Uggg!

Okay............so I'm not a quitter!  I figured  out another way to post Project #2, yes, sometimes I like technology.....when it works, for me.   So if you saw/read my last post it was about the Korean flag ornament I made.  I sent one to Paula as a thank you, who at this very moment, is on pins and needles.  Paula and her family are now waiting for Zoe's paperwork to get fiinshed in South Korea so she can be ready to travel, which could be any day now!!  I'm so excited for her and her family!  Just look at this little cutie!  
Paula just received this picture yesterday of Zoe!  That Travel Call can not come soon enough for her - hang on Paula, it's coming!  Paula is taking a few things to Aiden for us when they travel to Korea to get their girl- which I am so very thankful for - THANK YOU P! : )  This will be care package #3 - yes, #3!

I have always worried if Aiden's care packages got to him.  We didn't get a picture of Aiden with his 1st care package, but I'm sure he got it. The 2nd was this one we just received:

 Our little guy is growing up so fast! :(

I was a little apprehensive on how to start Project #1, how to put it together, and just plain ole "HOW" do I do this??  I started on them yesterday,  didn't have a clue, but knew I really needed to get going on these!  I've got 22 +  "things" to make between now until the Sunday before Christmas,which is our Cousin's Christmas party, where ALL my family gets together for our  Christmas. And, for the past few years, we've been getting together at our house, so bring it on!!

Yesterday, I  finished 7 of Project #1 and still need to complete 15 more - wow - that sounds intimidating! Seriously?  What else is there to do till Christmas!?  So I'd better get off of here and get to it!!  Oh...........
for any of you that want Hint #2:     #1  It's recycled        #2  They come in all shapes, colors, and sizes at Christmas time.

Project #2

It's getting close to the end of the year....December - YAH~!  It's been a long year and a long 4 year wait for Aiden,  remember this little guy?

He's going on 11 months and changing so fast.  Each time I get a Well Baby Check he's doing great, and each time I get new pictures, it's like a world of difference! I forget how much babies change in the first year! I can. not. wait. to. get. him. home!!!!   Hopefully he'll be submitted in early January for his Emigration Permit.....like I said hopefully!  There's no sequence when it comes to this process - which is very frustrating.  There's no picking up the phone and calling direct to see when every little thing is done over there in Seoul.  I  just have to sit back and then freak out!!  

When I finished up work in mid November, I knew it was going to be a long couple of months to get to January 2011.   I'd read where adoptive mom's from the Korean Forum said to stay busy for the last few months, it helps.  Okay... I can try and find something to do.... but what?   Thank goodness I took that to heart and came up with a couple of ideas to keep me busy.  I had to or else I'd go nuts.....I'm already half way there, ya know?   (enter hysterical annoying laugh hehehehehe) Umm anyway,  I like crafts, so I looked into that.  I settled on 2 projects.  The first one is sitting there waiting to be put together.......I'm a little apprehensive about it, so I stuck to finishing project #2 first.   Wanna see?  

It's a Korean flag ornament.  I made it out of clay that bakes in the oven, painted it, then sprayed it with clear acrylic sealer.  I put the date on the back to remember when our journey to little Aiden  started!

Taylor wanted one to go on her little tree. 

I've made a few extras, so they're on my big tree.  Now every time I look at my Korean flag ornament, I'll remember Aiden, my little Korean baby till he comes home! :) So every year I put it on my tree, I'll remember what I did to pass the time waiting on him to come home to us!  Aiden, we're coming ... as soon as you're ready! :)