Feel to heal.....

My last post was very hard to write and post.  I'd made the mistake and put the words  is devastated on a Facebook comment before I posted last.  Most knew what it meant, that we didn't get our Emigration Permit for this year and Aiden would NOT be coming home anytime soon, but others thought we'd lost Aiden and he wasn't going to be ours.  Sorry to confuse some of you.  I meant what I said on my last blog post though.  We've been waiting a very long time, although over half the wait was with another agency and country, we've still been waiting 3 1/2 years for a boy, 3 1/2 years!   I'd let myself think he could very well be coming home this year, it was a distinct possibility, in my mind.  So of course when I'd heard we were so close to getting our EP submitted but did not get it,  I truly was devastated.  I let myself feel the sadness I had in my heart, all of it.  I haven't felt that kind of sadness in a very, very  long time.

I was very sad for a few days,  I soon realized what I was doing, I was letting myself  feel to heal.  I think I've spent a lot of my life, not truly feeling, not past a certain point. I realized a few years ago, I have a really hard time with grieving, not that all have it easy, I just realized I really have a hard time letting go, and letting go of someone.  I feel I've kept people at a distance my whole life, maybe to protect myself from having to let go at some point.  I don't know...  I didn't realize I had been doing that for a such a long time.  I've been working on me for the last 10 years now.  The birth of our daughter, Taylor, showed me that I had to be a better person, for her and for myself.   So enough about me.  There's a whole lot more under this surface, now is not the time to go there!    I'm a work in progress!   : )

But,  Sunday was my turning point on my sadness.  I woke up feeling good,  went to church with my family, came home, and enjoyed the day.  It still saddens me that Aiden won't be here any time soon, but he will be here.....eventually.

On one good note,  we did get another Well Baby Check from Holt Korea last Thursday for the month of  October.   I emailed Aiden's medical report to Dr. Plemmons at Vanderbilt that afternoon, and he responded today.  He said everything was normal and right on target.  They did note "wheezing" on the report, Dr. Plemmons said it could be a little cold, and probably nothing to worry about since it wasn't mentioned other than that once.  So our little guy is right on target.  It said he's not actually walking yet, pulls up to a standing position, creeping too.  He has a few teeth now, sure wish I could see 'em! So yes, our guy is doing great, just wish I could see for myself! ; )