One of 'those' days.........the vent

It seems like it has been raining non stop since yesterday.  So the weather is gloomy, wet, and dark.  (which would explain my mood at the moment!)  As today went on, the more frustrated I became.  So I had a thought,  oh yeah, this is going to be one of  those days.

I went to my parents house today and I'm sure my mom was wondering why I was so quiet.  If something is bothering me, I'm worried, or just don't feel good, I'm quiet.  Which, let's face it, would be a gift to some people these days! ; )   So what's up with me today?  To put it bluntly,  I'm sick and tired of waiting for Aiden to be able to come home!!  I've come full circle and stopped at the "frustrated" gate.  I feel like I'm on a merry-go-round that stops at certain points, only to continue again, and drag me along with it.  So how do I get off of this ride?  I can't just shut down completely, but I'm sick and tired of waiting in line.  So I've heard some say that when you get to your breaking point, it'll happen.  But what if you get to your breaking point, and nothing happens.  That is possible you know?  Then what?  I'm not completely there,  I was just wondering.....

What to do, what to do?  I've been working on my Christmas projects,  hubs said last night it's looking good, bless him! :)  So what do I do with this frustration?  Which, I know it's just a stage and will pass and then stop at the next gate - sadness,  happiness, excitement, depression, etc.  Wonder which one it'll be tomorrow.  Some of you are probably thinking,  this gal needs help, or maybe a stiff drink!  I'll keep going everyday, just like I always do.  Tick.....tock.......tick.........tock.............tick.........................tock...........................tick.....................tock - sick of reading tick tock yet?  Well,  I'm sick of hearing it!  Yes I'd like a little bit of cheese with my whine!  I'm venting today.  Usually I'm kind of quiet with the complaining.  But gosh darn it  I'm sick of this waiting.  I'm waiting every single day till we get another Well Baby Check, picture, whatever till whenever! 

And I always say me  - "I'm waiting". Truth is all our families are waiting.  Our daughter, Taylor, has also been waiting almost 4 years too.  She'll be 10 in exactly a month.   Do you know how long four years is to a child?  An eternity.  She actually asked me this summer were we still adopting?   She's past the point of being excited.  I think we all are, and by that  I mean, all our family.  And now with North Korea being the big bad bully,  we have no idea if we'll be able to travel to South Korea to pick Aiden up!  I was sooooo looking forward to going to Seoul!  I mean really!!  I'm not the adventurous type at all, I'm a home body, just ask the hubs.  He's the adventurous one,  so I was really liking the idea of visiting our son's birth place and experiencing ALL of that! WOW!!  So now that may not even happen.   And the hubs,  he's just here.  He says he really can't get attached to a child he's never met, doesn't know anything about, never held.  Who can blame him!?  It's only been four years of waiting?!  But he's been there every step of the way, which I truly appreciate!  Love ya dear! :)   

So..... what's next?  Christmas will be here sometime soon.  I'm really trying to look forward to it, but it's just not happening.  Then,  it's Taylor's birthday on December 30th. Really need to get myself together to come up with a great birthday idea, she'll be "10", double digits!!  Then  New Year's..... now we're talking!  Finally... it'll be  next year, but we've still got a month to go till then.  Yeah, I know......just a few more months!  I feel like I'd like to slap the next person that says that to me!   (ignore the last comment, I'm just venting!) 

Christmas.....hurry up!

Thanksgiving was great.  Good food, good time with family, it was great.  I'm so glad it's over now! :)  That's one major holiday down, one more to go till next year.  Yes, I'm wishing these holidays to pass, which makes no sense to most I'm sure.  I knew this would happen.  After the EP mishap (see earlier posts), I knew what I would do - wish my holidays to pass quickly so next year would get here and they'd (Korea) start processing again!   I hate that I'm doing that, really I do, but I can't help it!  It's just how my mind works - dang it!

So I'm not really looking forward to Christmas as much as I was this summer (thinking Aiden would be home for Christmas).  Tay wanted to put up the tree last night, I on the other hand was not too thrilled with the task.  But with Mike's help, thank goodness,  it's all up, out, and on!  Here's a sneak peak of the outside.

I'm sure most have heard about the attack on South Korea by North Korea.  For us AP's (Adopted Parents), we're all over it trying to hear the latest news.  We're all worried about our babies over there, we're all worried about how it's going to  affect our adoptions.  Our agency has assured us there's nothing to worry about, and that it's all regular life as usual  over there.  But we'd all feel so much better if there was peace, so North Korea, if you would please, stop being a BULLY!  Thank you, and have a nice day!  :)

So now that I'm not working till the beginning of next year, I've found a few "Christmas projects" to keep me busy.  I've started on one of them.  I've finished  step one and I'm having to wait on step two, hopefully it'll just take another week or so to get that finished, then I can work on the final step, putting them all together.  Since my one project is stalled a bit, I'd like to start on the other Christmas project.  I'm going to try and make it from a picture, so I have no clue as to how it's going to  turn out, but I'm trying it nonetheless!  Oh, these "projects" are my little secret for now.  I'll post pictures later when they're finished.  I love a big fat secret!! ;)

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!  Hope all have a great holiday with friends and family!

I'll be thinking of Aiden today.  I hope he's well, growing, thriving, and happy!  I so wish he was here, but this will be the last Thanksgiving without him! :)

my brain is motivated....

Yah! My brain is finally motived.  I went to Hobby Lobby today!  Love me some Hobby Lobby!  Could have spent hours in there, but didn't.  On the way home, my brain was thinking of all kinds of stuff. Could I do this? Can I do that? Oh yes....I can! : )  Had a thought of a neat craft idea to start on, who knows where it'll go from there.   Can't wait to get started on that too!  I'd love to tell, but I'd like to keep it a secret too.  I was just bursting with "oh, I've gotta tell someone my new idea!" So I thought best to blog it, which in turn, tells everyone who reads this..... duh - oh yeah!  But, I've left out all the details.  Whew....at least I feel better! : )

Moving on....

Yep, you read right!  I am moving on.  I've dealt and now I feel like my old self again, um...... well.... as much as can be expected.   Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking forward to 3 or 4 more months of waiting, but reality has a way of slapping you in the face!  I'd love to slap it back sometimes (muhahahaha, evil laugh! jk)   Any who,  I know God has a plan for us.  There had to be some good reason (thanks Rach) why Aiden needed to stay in Korea for a little longer.  After the EP blow,  I could hardly even  think about Aiden coming home, I knew it wouldn't be anytime soon, but here it is, almost Thanksgiving, before I know it, Christmas will be here, and then 2011!  I feel like I'm just wishing my life away.  I wish January would hurry up! ; )

So, now what do I do with myself for the rest of the year?   I've only got a couple more weeks of low hours work to do.  That's it!  Actually, this week I had an idea.  Last year,  my cousin came up with a new tradition for my extended family at Christmas, so now, I'm going to put a little of my touch on it.  I sent my cousin's an email asking for ideas to further my new project.  They put their heads together and came up with something really neat to help me out.   It's crafty, it's neat, and it's cheap!  Ha...perfect! : )  So, I'll be off to Hobby Lobby and Joanne's very soon,  I need a few supplies to get this started.  So what is it I'm going to do, you ask?  You'll have to  wait  and see!  Don't you just love waiting?!?!   Muhahahaha!!! (waiting does strange things to this mama!)  ; )

Okay .... I get it

So I've figured out what I'm doing.  My heart has suffered a big loss.  I googled steps to healing after a trama.  Well...okay..... not getting our EP was not that big of a trama!  But in my mind it was, this is about me, how I'm dealing, how I'm making sense of this, etc.  This has nothing to do with everyone else.  And if some would soon realize, that when your first comment about something like this was about you, then judgement has no place here, it's not about you.  I'm sure some are asking themselves, what's the big deal,  why did she get so upset, she should have known there was a chance they wouldn't get it, it's only a few more months?  These types of thoughts have to do with your perception as though you were  the one dealing with this.  Not pointing fingers at all, just trying to make some understand  where I'm coming from. : )  I think  people today are too quick to judge someone in their situations, as though we are the ones dealing, when we're not.

So this is what I read first.

Stages of Grief

Elizabeth Kübler-Ross outlined five stages of grief. These include denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. In the denial stage, you may be numb and think that what happened could not be real. In the angry stage you want to find blame or you feel resentful of those who seem to be enjoying life. When you are bargaining you want to make a deal; for example, you think of all the ways you would be a better person if the pain were to go away. With depression may come the thought, “Why should I go on now that my friend is dead?” You know acceptance happens when you feel more peaceful about the loss and you give up struggling to make things be different.

This makes total sense to me.  Of course, no one died, this situation  isn't about someone dying.  But,  I have gone through these steps, literally, which means, yes,  I feel I have lost something.  I know Aiden will be ours someday, but I have no idea when that day will come.  I'm in this..... for him.... we all are.  So yes, I get it.  

It will soon be about someone else.  And I will be there comforting, supporting, and not judging.   Sometimes people just want to be heard, recognized, validated.  I've realized in the last few years what true friendship is.  A friend is  someone that can listen to you, comfort you, support you, and  understand what you are going through.  Sometimes that's all we need is someone to listen and support.  We all deserve that! :)

Baby stuff ...... no baby .....am I missing something?

So yesterday, my sweet, wonderful cousins, Debbie and Cindy threw me a baby shower. I had a good time (my cousins are crazy fun!).  I am so completely thankful for those who could come,  I really appreciate the support, it means more than you all will ever know....seriously!!  Got lots of great stuff!  My cousin Carrie made Taylor her big sister shirt, which we both love!! Thanks Carrie! : ) The last picture is from my sister-in-law, Joyce.  This piece was taken from a quilt, that was hand-stitched by my grandmother many years ago.  Joyce added the plane and banner that says, "Aiden Lee".  I love the fact that these two were combined!  Thanks Joyce!

I'm trying my best to figure out something.  Why is it so weird?  Is it because I've had a baby shower before and this one didn't feel  anything like that one?  Nine years ago, our daughter, Taylor, was born on Dec. 30th.  Is it because I didn't have the ginormous  belly to go along with yesterday's  baby shower?  Or maybe it's weird because I had a baby shower for a baby I've never met, touched, held, or even loved? I know this may sound weird....yeah I'm feeling it too.... obviously.    This whole thing is such a process.  I think I've gotten so wrapped up in this process, that I think I'm starting to wonder if there really is a child in the end.  Some may not understand my point, or even, where I'm going with this,  I'm not really sure myself.  But, this is my own observation,  my own insight, and my own confusion I'm trying to make sense of.  Maybe it's the fact that I have no clue as to when Aiden will come home, because at this point I really don't know.  We're all finished on the US side. We're all clueless over here.

Everyone keeps telling me, "it'll happen....". My logical mind says, you're going through this process for an end result.  So where's the result? Where's the end to this? Three and a half years.....by the time this process may be over, if we ever get there,  it will be four years. I feel like my every being has been on hold for three and a half years.   I feel cheated, robbed, I'm trying my best to have a good attitude about this now, I really am, but my heart is sad, confused, and is not sure which way is up.  I have my faith, I really do, but now it's being tested.  And when it's all over, whenever that is, I'm sure I'll say, "it was all so worth it".  But I can't say that right now, the end isn't here.  And saying, "it's just a few more months", doesn't help either. I good friend helped to put it into perspective for me.  It's like being pregnant, and you're at the end of your ninth month.  You're expecting to go and deliver that baby at the end of your ninth month. So,  you go to the hospital, thinking, you're there,  it'll all be over soon and you will have that baby in your arms.  Then the doctor comes in and says, "...oh yeah.... well,  about that..... you have to wait longer, not sure how long, maybe 3 or 4 more months,  we'll just have to wait and see". (with a smile I might add!) So what would you say to that?

Feel to heal.....

My last post was very hard to write and post.  I'd made the mistake and put the words  is devastated on a Facebook comment before I posted last.  Most knew what it meant, that we didn't get our Emigration Permit for this year and Aiden would NOT be coming home anytime soon, but others thought we'd lost Aiden and he wasn't going to be ours.  Sorry to confuse some of you.  I meant what I said on my last blog post though.  We've been waiting a very long time, although over half the wait was with another agency and country, we've still been waiting 3 1/2 years for a boy, 3 1/2 years!   I'd let myself think he could very well be coming home this year, it was a distinct possibility, in my mind.  So of course when I'd heard we were so close to getting our EP submitted but did not get it,  I truly was devastated.  I let myself feel the sadness I had in my heart, all of it.  I haven't felt that kind of sadness in a very, very  long time.

I was very sad for a few days,  I soon realized what I was doing, I was letting myself  feel to heal.  I think I've spent a lot of my life, not truly feeling, not past a certain point. I realized a few years ago, I have a really hard time with grieving, not that all have it easy, I just realized I really have a hard time letting go, and letting go of someone.  I feel I've kept people at a distance my whole life, maybe to protect myself from having to let go at some point.  I don't know...  I didn't realize I had been doing that for a such a long time.  I've been working on me for the last 10 years now.  The birth of our daughter, Taylor, showed me that I had to be a better person, for her and for myself.   So enough about me.  There's a whole lot more under this surface, now is not the time to go there!    I'm a work in progress!   : )

But,  Sunday was my turning point on my sadness.  I woke up feeling good,  went to church with my family, came home, and enjoyed the day.  It still saddens me that Aiden won't be here any time soon, but he will be here.....eventually.

On one good note,  we did get another Well Baby Check from Holt Korea last Thursday for the month of  October.   I emailed Aiden's medical report to Dr. Plemmons at Vanderbilt that afternoon, and he responded today.  He said everything was normal and right on target.  They did note "wheezing" on the report, Dr. Plemmons said it could be a little cold, and probably nothing to worry about since it wasn't mentioned other than that once.  So our little guy is right on target.  It said he's not actually walking yet, pulls up to a standing position, creeping too.  He has a few teeth now, sure wish I could see 'em! So yes, our guy is doing great, just wish I could see for myself! ; )

No Emigration Permit for Aiden

No EP for Aiden this year.  Just found out earlier today by email.  No more EP's issued this year.  They (South Korea) have their quota.  So now, we will miss Aiden's first Christmas, his first birthday, and it may be Feb or March of 2011 before we know if he's coming home.  I am devastated.  I can't even talk about it.

A Korean Forum mom, just found out today they made the cut, they will receive their EP for their adorable little girl.  I am truly happy for them, (P-I really am!)  but at the same time I am devastated. I know some of you are thinking, "what's a couple of more months?"  Imagine deciding you wanted something more than anything else in this world.  So you make a plan.  You start the process and follow through with all the steps that are required.  Yes, there are bumps and potholes in the road, dips, and curves, but finally  you're on your way and it feels great!

Then, imagine you figure out you are so close to reaching your goal, what you've wanted more than anything.  All those emotions you've kept on hold  for 3 1/2 years.  All of that leading up to being told Sorry to inform you.......